Coping Through Avoidance - When Work Hinders Bereavement

(Originally published in the March/April 2014 edition of "What's Happening!")

Following the death of a loved one, many individuals will throw themselves into their work. The idea behind this practice is that work will shift the focus of the bereaved and provide a positive coping support for getting through a difficult time. For those that have lost a loved one, work can be a catharsis that provides the needed support for getting through a very difficult time.

While it is indeed true that work can provide an important resource for coping, there are instances in which work can hinder the process of bereavement, making the process more difficult and much longer than it needs to be. When this happens, bereavement for the individual may take longer, may not occur at all or may become a more painful process. Thus, it is important to recognize when working following a loss is a benefit and when work becomes a detriment to grieving.

In order to understand what happens when work becomes a hindrance to bereavement, it is important to have some basic understanding of coping mechanisms. Generally speaking you use various coping mechanisms to deal with stress on a daily basis. In most instances you do not even recognize it. Coping mechanisms can be both positive and negative depending on how you use them in your life.

For instance, when you encounter an outcome that is not desirable, you may rationalize the outcome by noting that it occurred because you were not at your best or the conditions were not optimal for success. By using rationalization you enable yourself to feel better about your situation and the outcomes that have resulted.

In the case of a bereaved employee that throws him or herself into work as a coping mechanism, it is possible that in the initial stages of grief, the individual is attempting to avoid the overwhelming power of emotions associated with loss. Avoidance is a common coping mechanism that helps us to deal with the challenges of overwhelming emotions. In many instances, the initial emotions are avoided and dealt with in smaller increments over time.

Avoidance can be a positive coping mechanism as long as the bereaved individual does indeed grieve over time. Through this process, the bereaved will be able to cope with the emotions of the loss and allow them to come to light in a way that is helpful rather than harmful. Even though avoidance can be a helpful coping tool, problems arise when avoidance is used as the only coping mechanism for dealing with grief. In these instances, the individual uses work to completely avoid coping with loss. When this happens the loss does not go away and the emotions can intensify. Work replaces the need to grieve and as a result the individual never addresses the underlying emotions surrounding loss.

As the emotions of grief are pushed further and further into the background through a focus on work, the bereaved will find it more difficult to keep his or her emotions in check. While avoidance may initially result in a significant amount of productivity and higher performance, over time these gains will be lost because of the internal turmoil experienced by the individual.

Failure to grieve will serve to maintain the emotions without a healthy release. Only by grieving and coping with the complex emotions associated with loss with the individual be able to find peace and restore health. If this does not occur, the individual will become preoccupied with emotions and will not be able to remain productive at work.

Because each individual grieves in his or her own unique way, it may be difficult to recognize when avoidance through work has gone too far. If a coworker has recently experienced loss, it may be healthy for him or her to return to work. However, if after time the bereaved begins to show signs of emotional distress, it may be time to offer help and support.

Listening to a coworker and being there can be vital to promoting the experience of grief. In addition, it may be helpful to recommend counseling or support groups to enable the bereaved to seek out additional supports in coping with loss. Being present for the individual experiencing loss will be critical to helping the bereaved through this difficult time. Despite the fact that avoidance can be an effective coping mechanism, but too much will significantly hinder the long-term emotional health of the bereaved.

Dr. Clatch practices at the Courage to Connect Therapeutic Center, 2400 Ravine Way, Suite 600, Glenview. For more info, call 847-347-5757 or visit couragetoconnecttherapy.com.