The Holidays: A Hard Time for Some Single Moms

Being a single mom can be really challenging, and during the holidays, (just like everyone else-even married people) it can be especially hard for a lot of reasons.  What if it’s not your turn to get the kids for Christmas and you have to be without them?  What if your ex is being especially awful during this time and it’s hard to communicate about the kids? What if he has someone significant in his life and you don’t?

I think emotions run wild during the holidays because of the pressure people feel to have perfection. And i think it’s silly to feel this way, but I get it. I’m a single mom and I’ve experienced lonliness that’s gutwrenching when I don’t have my kids, guilt when I don’t have them and I’m enjoying myself, and excruciating frustration when I can’t reason with my ex, since it’s always better for the kids if their parents can actually be nice to each other.  

I recently got to talking with therapist Jennifer La Civita, Psy. D,  (who i met when she bought Jackpot! at a book signing) and I asked her some questions.  Jennifer is a doctor of Clinical Psychology, a licensed, clinical, professional counselor, and an art therapist who has worked with families, individuals and children for over 20 years.  But, here’s where I think she’s really qualified: Jennifer has been a single mother for over 10 years.  She’s experienced the challenge of raising her children by herself while working.  So, what I’m saying is, she gets the whole single mother thing!

Here’s what Jennifer had to say:

1. Being a single mother for 10+ years, do you remember the holiday season as being a difficult time of year for you? Tell me about that and explain.

 The holidays can be very stressful for two divorced parents and their children. However, it is important for us to remember that we always have a choice in how we react to overwhelming experiences, such as the holidays. My ex husband and I both come from very large, immediate families in which a “simple holiday gathering” could be 30-40 people! I was fortunate enough to live near my parents and siblings as well as my ex-husband, and his family. His mother preferred to have festivities earlier in the day and my parents chose to celebrate later in the afternoon and evening. So, we were able to show our kids that holidays can be fun and exciting events by gently and calmly preparing them for the busy day. We always made sure to do the following. Here are some suggestions: Make sure you prep your children a few days before the day or days that they will be spending with their mom or dad.  Let them know the who, what, where, when , and why of the day as well as your expectations for their good behavior. Acknowledge that it will be a busy day and that it is important they get enough sleep during the week so that they are not crabby, irritable and overwhelmed for the holidays. “You are going to have a great time because in the morning, your dad is going to pick you up. He has something special planned for you at your grandma’s house. Later on, I will get you from your Grandma’s and we will go to Nana and Papa’s house…then, when it is late, we will come home, get in our cozy pajamas, make some hot chocolate and watch tv or I can read you a story – your choice. It’s going to be a great day. We are all going to have fun!” Acknowledging to them that yes, the holidays can be busy and tiring times, but they are also the most memorable and special of times. Making sure that transitions are handled calmly and without “drama” make for a smooth day. Also telling them that at the end of the day, they will have a chance to enjoy peace..and have some small comforts of home – as a way to successfully end a great day.

2.  If a person is divorced/separated, how do they best talk to the kids about “sharing” the holidays or “whose turn it is to have them?”

Children need to know that you love them with all your heart. You also need to let them know that your ex spouse loves them just as much. Even if you are the one planning the entire holiday and making all the arrangements without any support from your ex,…and getting upset over it, your young children do not need to witness your difficulties or hear about them. “How wonderful it is to be loved and wanted soooo much by two people! So, to make sure that we both can spend special times with you, your dad and I thought this would be a good idea….” Share the plan with your kids and let them feel that they are a part of the process. “I am sorry that we can’t all be together, but we thought it work be most fun for you if we did it this way…” However, if it is possible, see if your ex is willing to share part of the day or a special day with you and your kids.  My ex and I made sure that on Christmas morning, the came over early so that the kids woke up to seeing the two of us by the tree – excited to watch them open their presents. We were able to be pleasant and cordial to each other – and often celebrated special events with our children together. It was not always easy, but we both conducted ourselves in a pleasant loving way to each other and to our children. In fact, on one occasion, my ex and I were sitting together on the bleachers, watching our son compete in a basketball game. The woman leaned over and complimented us on what a nice couple we were. “I notice that you both are always here together for your son’s games and are always so encouraging to him and to each other. How nice to have such a good marriage.” My ex then said to her in a joking way, “We can do this so well because we are divorced!”  Often, people did not even know we were divorced because we were always a “united front” when it came to attending the sporting and academic events of our children. We did not invite other “friends” along because we both knew and continue to know that these events and holidays are about our children, not our own “extra-curricular activities.” Being present (all the time), fully engaged in the lives of our children, offering guidance, support and encouragement are the keys to having well adjusted children.

3.  What are some things you can do if you are without your children over the holidays and feeling sad about it?

Many times, children feel guilty and shameful when they are leaving their mom or dad “all alone for the holidays” often blaming themselves for the situation. Yes, you may indeed be “all alone” and sad, but being sincere, gentle and open in front of your children is important. “I wish I could be with you, it does make me sad knowing that we won’t be together. I will miss you but I know you are going to have a wonderful time. I will be thinking of you and sending you hugs and kisses while we are apart. When you leave with your dad, these are some of my plans….” Let them know that you have some fun things to do while they are away – assure them that you will not be alone but will spend your days with friends and family. I used to write little notes, hide cards and sneak little toys in their backpacks so when they got to their destination with their dad, they would find some surprises from me. My ex and I also had an arrangement that whomever our children were with, 9:00pm was our check in/ phone in time to ask our kids about their day, tell them how much we loved them and to wish them sweet dreams and a good night. Even now, we still do this with our kids.

4.  Any tips about the importance of trying to get along with an ex spouse during the holidays?

As the sayings go, “Don’t sweat the small stuff” and “choose your battles wisely.” It is key to remember that the best thing to ever come out of your marriage are your children. I always tell my kids, “You have the best qualities of your dad and the best qualities of your mom…so we expect good things!” It may be very difficult to be the “unified front” to your children, so over the holidays, try not engaging in or avoid making serious decisions, or having major, full blown out disagreements like “You are not taking the kids out of school to go to Disneyworld in February” will help make the holidays calm, merry, and bright. You can say, “There is a time and place to discuss that, but right now, during the holidays is not an opportune time for me or the kids…I want to make this a very special time for our kids. Let’s schedule a time where we can talk on the phone or meet up in person, after the holidays, to discuss this.” Remaining calm, pleasant, and confident about your decision is a good way to keep the peace  – even when it may seem or feel volatile. It is important to remind ourselves that we cannot always control a situation or how someone else will react, but we can control our own words and behavior. Handling all life’s messiness with dignity and grace leaves room for little regret. As our children grow, so do we – our children are precious gifts to us and we should treat them with the utmost of care, giving them our love, time, attention, guidance, and support. Giving our children good memories and special moments is our gift to them.

I absolutely loved this woman and I feel like she is a gifted psychologist with a really warm way about her. Jennifer has offices downtown and in the glen.

You can learn more about her and contact her by visiting her website: Lacivitahealthcare.com or calling: 773-294-5783.