Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. As discussed in my recent blog, “” empathy is defined as recognizing, understanding, and caring about how someone feels, or being able to put yourself in someone’s shoes. "Treat others the way you want to be treated” is the modified golden rule that conveys empathy. Parents can offer their children loads of opportunities to increase their sensitivity toward others, to understand how a person is feeling, or how it might feel to be in someone else’s situation.
Create awareness of others’ feelings. Whether it is a situation occurring in your family, on television, in a movie or a book, there are endless opportunities to point out or remind children of other people’s feelings. “How do you think she felt?” “What could others have said or done to help her feel better?” “What would you do?” These questions can help focus your child’s attention to other people’s feelings on a regular basis and can result in brainstorming empathetic and caring responses and reactions. (Very young children will need help in identifying what feelings are, prior to answering these questions).
Help kids understand differences. It is not uncommon for a child to automatically feel anxious of uncomfortable when they encounter someone who is different. The uneasiness and lack of understanding of the difference can lead to ridicule, finger-pointing or exclusion. Kids encounter cultural, racial, religious, and socio-economic differences, in addition to knowing people with physical, academic, and behavioral challenges. We can alleviate the anxiety by talking about the differences they notice in others and creating opportunities to clarify misconceptions and provide factual information. Creating or heightening an awareness of the difference definitely contributes to a greater understanding and empathy.
Provide opportunities to help others. The development of empathy can be enhanced by providing opportunities for children to help others. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, doing a favor for an ill or elderly neighbor, donating toys and clothes to charity, and taking canned goods to a local food pantry are acts that help children realize that good deeds can make an incredible difference in the lives of others. These acts of kindness also positively contribute to their self-esteem.
“I understand how you feel.” “You must have been so upset.” “That must have felt terrible!” The most powerful lessons in empathy take place when parents model empathy by conveying an understanding of how a child feels. The first step is encouraging your child to tell you what he or she is feeling. The second step is to communicate to your son or daughter an understanding and concern for his or her feelings or situation with words and facial expressions. Of course, hugs provide a lot of comfort as well. Paraphrasing what your child has expressed communicates that you really understand. Affirming your child’s feelings is a key way to instill empathy. It is similar to kissing your child’s skinned knee to “make it better.”
Although validation of the feelings may not “fix” the problem the child is facing, it is quite consoling and reassuring, which generally helps kids feel better. As parents, we often want to immediately get rid of the pain or discomfort our sons and daughters are experiencing. In many cases, we cannot. However, communicating and showing an understanding of children’s feelings is comforting, can reduce anxiety and worry, and it teaches empathy.
Don’t forget to empathize with positive feelings! Remember that we can empathize with positive feelings as well! “I know you must feel awesome that you did so well on your test.” “You must be excited that you scored the soccer goal to win the game!” It is important to help kids make the connection between positive actions and behavior and good feelings. Conveying empathy at these special times of achievement and accomplishment enhances a child’s self-esteem.
There are countless teachable moments in our daily lives, and simply training your child’s attention to other people’s feelings on a regular basis is a great way to start instilling empathy. Conveying empathy through words and actions is an ongoing process that entails consistent review and reinforcement.
How do you teach empathy to your children?
About the blogger: Judy S. Freedman, a licensed clinical social worker and bullying prevention specialist, is the author of Easing the Teasing – Helping Your Child Cope with Name-Calling, Ridicule, and Verbal Bullying.' She lectures and conducts workshops for parents, educators, and mental health professionals throughout the country. She recently spoke at the National PTA Convention in San Jose, California. Learn more about Judy and her work at www.easingtheteasing.com.
I agree with you. It is a sad fact that the police cannot arrest someone for being mentally ill and that the liberal courts simply allow people who are different to roam freely throughout society.
Maybe not everything is so black and white, Mr. Schulte. Not everything can be blamed on the president of the United States or on politics. There are other things going on in both the external world and the internal world of individuals that can not be so easily explained. Too bad you have no concept of this.
This is not the topic for sarcasm though.
Apparently, you don't have much experience with mental illness. As a parent, not being able to help your own child with mental illness is a heart-wretching experience. Today, there are very good medications to treat mental illness, however, the medications are only effective if the patient actually takes the medication. More information on mental illness is available from the National Association on Mental Illness (NAMI). NAMI conducts classes on how parents can cope with children who are mentally ill, including adult children. Yes, it is a sad fact that we now have highly effective treatments for mental illness, but often patients cannot avail themselves to treatment because of the illness. You will likely not understand my comments unless your family is touched by mental illness. Unfortunately, most families are touched by mental illness, so it might be a good idea to learn something about these illnesses. Mental illness usually strikes people in their late teens or early 20's. This young man was in his early 20's. Based upon what little I know of the incident in Colorado, I'd say that we're dealing with someone with a mental illness and I don't hold him or anyone else responsible, at least at this point in time.
My apologies Ms. Freedman for this sidebar. As you stated, one must take advantage of teachable moments. I yield the floor back to the topic at hand.
I can only take you at your word. I know that you are trying to re-explain and backtrack from your statement but sadly it stands just as you wrote it.
If Sully is allowed to continue to post on Patch, may I suggest that he be required to post under his full name. Perhaps posting under his full name would cause Sully to have some manners.
Me, that remark, like Sully's remarks, should get you kicked off of Patch too. Will you please stop making offensive remarks toward families that are dealing with relatives who are mentally ill? Obviously you have no experience regarding the limitations of the police in assisting parents with children with mental illnesses. Your crude comments regarding mental illness are not appreciated.
Are you actually suggesting that I should be censored? The only thing that I have done is to quote the words you typed with your own hands. We aren't talking about a simple mis-spoken word here, this is something you actually thought about and typed on your keyboard. "Being mentally ill is not a crime in the United States-hence, police cannot just make an arbitrary arrest because someone is not acting normally. The courts have tied our hands. Sad, but fact." Perhaps it is you who owes an apology to those families.
As Ms. Freedman suggests, there are lessons to be taught with increasing empathy in mind, but like in all teaching/learning situations there are often limitations in what can be accomplished or factors that can undo whatever has been taught. Quite frankly, I believe that Sully's first response was golden - and empathic to boot.
The situations you describe are sad, but true. Modeling acceptance, inclusion, respect, and compassion is crucial in teaching empathy to our children. Learning by example is the most powerful lesson!