“How many of you have ever been teased?”
When I ask this question to elementary-age students, almost every hand goes up. When I inquire about what teasing is, they consistently reply, “Teasing is when someone makes fun of you, hurts your feelings, or calls you names.” The follow-up question is, “How many of you have ever been bullied?”
Few, if any, children raise their hands. Not to minimize bullying, however, I learned many years ago, that we need to see teasing and bullying on a continuum, rather than using the terms interchangeably….especially with young children.
Teasing can take many forms, from playful and jovial, to demeaning and hurtful, and all the way to hateful and abusive. It is helpful to explain to children that fun and friendly teasing involves having fun with someone.
Friendly teasing causes everyone to laugh and smile. Many children are surprised to learn that joking around can be friendly teasing, because they generally perceive teasing as negative and hurtful. Many of you might tease your kids in a fun, friendly, and affectionate way.
Cruel and hurtful teasing involves making fun of someone. It includes ridicule, name-calling, putdowns, verbal insults, and gesturing, as well as annoying actions. Cruel teasing also includes exclusion. Some of these subtle and often hard-to-see behaviors are alienation, gossip, rumor-mongering, the silent treatment, eye-rolling, glares, and stares.
Although these behaviors peak in the middle school years, they are also occurring very frequently in pre-school and elementary school settings. Children may be purposely excluded from a game or activity or told they cannot sit at a certain place at the lunch table. These behaviors are often referred to as "mean girls" behavior, however, boys can be involved as well.
Unfortunately, there is no general rule of thumb for determining when teasing is likely to become harmful, because not all kids will take the same words, gestures, or other behavior the same way. What is hurtful for one child may not hurtful for another. If we view teasing on a continuum, there is affectionate and friendly teasing on one end and abusive teasing, taunting, and bullying on the other.
FRIENDLY TEASING > HURTFUL TEASING > HOSTILE TEASING/BULLYING
Some experts view the difference between teasing and bullying as only a matter of degree. When cruel teasing and taunting occur repeatedly over time, these behaviors can be considered bullying. Bullying is characterized by an imbalance of power. The bully is usually bigger, older, smarter, or stronger socially and verbally. Or the power imbalance can be created by having a group victimize one person. The goal is to exert power over the victim.
Bullying is often thought of as visible and observable physical aggression such as hitting, pushing, slapping, kicking, poking, pulling hair, biting, shoving, threatening with a weapon, stealing, or destroying possessions. Some bullies may use physical force to get their way.
However, most bullying is actually verbal. Verbal bullying includes repeated name-calling, hostile teasing and taunting, slurs regarding race, sexual orientation, and religion, and abusive remarks that are sexual in nature. Consistent exclusion and ongoing "mean girls" behavior are also considered bullying.
Technology has increased opportunities for abusive texts, e-mails, websites, and postings on social media. Bullying is deliberate, and the hostile and abusive words and actions are intended to harm…whether it be face-to-face or electronically.
Bullying often begins as mild teasing as the bully carefully searches for a vulnerable target. Once the bully gets a rise out of his or her target, the teasing usually escalates and becomes more intense and persistent. When children are able to respond to teasing with tools and words that empower them to react quickly, effectively, and confidently, they are less likely to become victims of bullies!
Stay tuned for the “Easing the Teasing” strategies!
About the blogger: Judy S. Freedman, a licensed clinical social worker and bullying prevention specialist, is the author of Easing the Teasing – Helping Your Child Cope with Name-Calling, Ridicule, and Verbal Bullying.' She lectures and conducts workshops for parents, educators, and mental health professionals throughout the country. She recently spoke at the National PTA Convention in San Jose, California. Learn more about Judy and her work at www.easingtheteasing.com.
A) The wussification of our children. Modern society doesn't teach kids how to accept failure and heartache at a young age. I'm not talking about the heartache of losing a parent. I'm talking about the heartache of being on a bad soccer team or getting a bad grade. We teach kids that even if they are on the worst team in a sport, they still get a trophy. Why? I'm not saying we should tell kids "you suck" at a young age. Plus, parents don't let their kids fall down, get rejected off a sport team, given a bad grade at a young age. All of these moments of childhood are what shaped most of us adults to be who we are today. If we get knocked down, we'd bounce back. These kids who are getting "bullied" now never got knocked down before, and haven't been taught to bounce back.
I'm not saying all bullying is because of these things, I know it does happen. But I think parents are part to blame.
I absolutely agree with you that kids' coping are skills are weaker than even 10 - 15 years ago! I recall not too long ago that a school didn't not want kids to "lose" a student council election... so the whole election process was changed. As a school social worker, I always have an article regarding Michael Jordon not initially making his high school basketball team to share with kids. Kids develop coping skills when given the opportunities to cope. My bullying prevention work empowers kids with skills to handle teasing and bullying confidently and effectively.
Also, the increase in teen suicides has risen, but it is also because in the mid 2000's, it was an all time low. Between 1994 and 2003, the rate of teenage suicide dropped 33%. Not a surprise it has risen since. All of this is not to be an excuse for suicidal behavior. It is a serious issue even if only one kid takes their own life. However, kids haven't become meaner than they were 50 years ago. Kids are kids. It's the adults that make the impression on these kids.
Perhaps you can also tell us why students are so much "wussier" today than they were 10-15 years ago when suicide rates were at their lowest? I seem to recall hearing back then, when I was in high school, that there were many comments about how our generation was so much wussier than those students in the 70s and 80s. Why should we believe that children today are wussier than those 10 years ago who were presumably wussier than 20 years ago, etc.? Frankly this just comes off as another, "pull up your pants, turn down your awful music, my generation never acted that way, back in my day, etc." article. Bullying is a problem now, it was a problem 50 years ago, and it will be a problem 50 years in the future. So long as coercion and fear will work at subduing some people and empowering others, there will be bullying. The form it takes has changed with technology but today's students are no weaker than any other generation.
Bullying has gotten worse because the lack of parental values and supervision. Children learn their values from their elders. One of the main reasons for bullying is because of homosexuality. As a society, we like to believe we are accepting of the gay lifestyle, and so teens are more open about their sexuality. Yet, everyday on the news we see people speaking out against homosexuality. It becomes an ongoing argument, and impressionable kids will believe it's a bad thing. It was the same thing 50+ years ago when white children believed black people were bad. Until the adults became accepting, the children themselves weren't. We blame the kids for being bullies, but maybe we should look at ourselves as role models
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1193740/index.htm
When you're a kid, there will always be someone bigger or meaner than you, and there will always be someone smaller than you that you will probably be mean to. It's a sad fact, but it's true. Teach your kids respect, teach them to stand up for themselves, keep them away from social media that causes more public humiliation. All of us as adults probably were involved in some sort of bullying at some point in our childhood, and we all turned out ok. But that was a different era that wasn't as litigious as the era we are in now.
I too agree that it doesn’t do us any good to not teach children how to lose games or elections; however, in my opinion that has nothing to do with the sort of aggressive destructive behavior that is bullying. It doesn’t matter how “wussified” someone might be, they should not have to be subjected to aggressive behavior that our civilized society has laws against. It is a basic human right. Would you argue that a woman who is the victim of domestic violence is so because her parents coddled her? We very well might be wussifying our kids; but, in regards to bullying, that isn’t the problem. The problem is that our society still sees it as socially acceptable behavior, and tolerates and enables it.
Your example of domestic violence is a bit extreme. I am not talking about kids getting the crap beaten out of them. I am talking about the verbal taunting and pushing around.
This is the type of coddling that I am talking about. Really, his parents are supporting him in this lawsuit? Suing for emotional and physical suffering? It sounds like the teacher is wrong, but suing over this?
My example of domestic violence is extreme...it is an example of extreme bullying. You might not be talking about extreme situations; however, verbal taunting and pushing around escalates to extreme situations. And, regardless, those less extreme instances are not tollerable either. It all needs to stop. No one has a right (child or adult) to bully or intimidate another person. I have to think that if parents spent more time teaching there kids to not be bullies, rather than worrying about how tough thier child is, this problem wouldn't be as prevalent. To me, there is a difference between being mentally tough (where you can accept losing and things of that nature), and feeling that you need to be physically tough to protect yourself from people who want to hurt you.
Really wonderful food for thought!
Thanks for continuing to share your expertise with the community, Judy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1g9RV9OKhg